For nine harrowing days, one Grafenwöhr, Germany-based Army unit was barred from engaging in a laundry list of sexual acts and forms of physical contact, all in the name vehicle and equipment upkeep.
That was the bizarre gist of the Dec. 17 battalion-issued memo that circulated throughout the barracks of the 1st Armored Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, one that was shared online for all to enjoy courtesy of the popular account, U.S. Army WTF Moments!
“Effective immediately, personnel are prohibited from engaging in sexual intercourse, acts that are sexual in nature, or acts that are done with the intent to sexually gratify any person in the Grafenwoehr Training Area,” according to the memo, which specified “agricultural cleaning and preparing our vehicles, equipment, and personnel to return to Fort Hood, Texas" as the reason for the coitus crackdown.
It remains unclear whether this was a problem before. Could this battalion — the identity of which was redacted in the memo — have so severely neglected basic duties in favor of sexual escapades that a 17th century Quaker abstinence policy was warranted?
And why are other sex-having service members around the world perfectly capable of performing these bare essentials?
Furthermore, because no soldiers have had sex, ever, the memo went on to detail — in excess — a middle school sex education-type anatomical road map of sexual debauchery to ensure the avoidance of any confusion.
“Sexual intercourse includes, but is not limited to genital to genital sexual intercourse, oral to genital sexual intercourse, anal to genital sexual intercourse, and oral to anal sexual intercourse.”
But the list of don’t-dos didn’t stop there.
"Kissing, rubbing, humping, grinding, cuddling, and lap dancing” were also listed as off limits.
Okay gang, you know the rules. No humping, no pushing, no sniffing hineys.
“The intent of the policy letter was to ensure Soldiers remained professional and respectful of one another while they work and live in close, public quarters, like the barracks that house multiple Soldiers in an open bay,” Army spokeswoman Maj. Bonnie Conard told Stars and Stripes about the abstinence policy, one that would have killed Ludacris’s smash hit “What’s your fantasy?” before the first lyric even dropped.
The battalion decided nine days after the order was issued, however, that a strict ban on all intimacy somehow didn’t translate to getting a group of hormonally-charged individuals to focus on cleanliness and readiness.
“The command decided that the policy is unnecessary, as good order and discipline may be enforced through existing administrative and UCMJ provisions,” Conard told Stripes. “As a result, the policy letter was rescinded 26 Dec. and soldiers were briefed on the importance of respecting others and maintaining good order and discipline.”
Good order and discipline. Permission to cuddle granted, soldier.
J.D. Simkins is the executive editor of Military Times and Defense News, and a Marine Corps veteran of the Iraq War.
