Jim Mattis’ favorite former press secretary, Sean Spicer, traded in briefing room for ballroom Monday night when he debuted on ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” in too-tight pants and a ruffled shirt sponsored by Mountain Dew.
Spicer, who admitted being “a little nervous” prior to showtime, performed a salsa routine to a remixed “Spice Up Your Life” by the Spice Girls. (We see what you did there.)
“No backing down now," he told judges, before launching into a series of convulsions ancient cultures may have once used to express mating desires.
Despite a dancing ability described by his partner as "pre-pre-school level,” when Spicer, much like Cuban Pete, started to dance, everything went chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom, a transcendent performance that culminated in a power slide.
“What were you doing there?” one bewildered judge asked of Spicer’s offensive, nationally televised display.
“It’s like you were being attacked by a swarm of wasps.”
Another judge, Len Goodman, took a different tone, applauding President Donald Trump’s former press secretary for his "courage [in] coming on this show.”
Spicer will courageously make a minimum of $125,000 for the appearance, according to reports.
Finishing with a score of 12 out of 30 points — a passing performance by ASVAB standards — Spicer miraculously scored higher than former NBA star Lamar Odom, who should be ashamed of himself.
First the Kardashians, now this?
Spicer’s tumultuous tenure in the White House included a reportedly contentious relationship with former Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis.
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After repeated requests to get the retired Marine general to reluctantly appear on numerous talk shows, an exasperated Mattis, having responded “no” to Spicer’s requests a number of times already, lashed out at the Navy Reserve officer.
“Sean, I’ve killed people for a living," Mattis said, according to one passage in Bob Woodward’s book, “Fear: Trump in the White House."
"If you call me again, I’m going to f--king send you to Afghanistan. Are we clear?”
With Mattis no longer holding that authority, it might be time for Spicer to phone him once more, a last-ditch effort to settle a feud the way men of old squashed conflicts — on the dance floor, in platform shoes.
Chaos, as Mattis is known as, is not one to back down from a challenge, in any clime and place, dance floor included.
Who among us could forget his many dance-related Mattisisms?
“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to serve everybody you meet.”
Twitter, meanwhile, had a field day following Spicer’s performance.
J.D. Simkins is the executive editor of Military Times and Defense News, and a Marine Corps veteran of the Iraq War.
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