During times of excessive glee, it is the duty of one particular tyrant to take the enjoyment of others, interpret it as a threat, and bludgeon it into oblivion, thereby invoking the ancient order of the blue falcon.
Sure, your 81 mm mortars section managed to skate out of evening formation in favor of a beach barbecue after staff sergeant employed a smokescreen of “section PT," but prioritization of quality of life and unit cohesion just doesn’t jive with renowned blue falcon, Cpl. Dingus.
Now, that back-stabbing rat who occupies a place right next to Jody in the military’s anti-pantheon is being immortalized — perhaps accidentally so — as an action figure.
Toy-makers Joy Toy Hardcore Coldplay have produced a 1:18 scale “Blue Falcon” action figure, a morale-crushing member of the “U.S. Army Airborne Division,” according to the action figure’s details.
This particular Blue Falcon comes equipped with an impressive assembly of futuristic headwear, firearms, grenades, and of course, the one piece of gear no true blue falcon can ever live without: Knee pads.
A few additional items are especially indicative of a combatant ready to lay waste to the merriment of others.
Despite his futuristic look, Blue Falcon always carries his ol’ trusty hatchet in tow, which he employs mercilessly to cut down the happiness of any who breach his 50-meter “buddy f---ing” radius.
Once satisfied from mutilating the joy of his apparent friends, he reaches for another vintage apparatus, an E-Tool, digging a deep pit in which he buries trust, friendship, and any remaining self-respect.
Joy Toy may have been unaware of Blue Falcon’s place within military legend, but he’s here nonetheless, and is available in a set of three — alongside “CIA South African Bounty Hunter” and “Marine Corps Individual” — for $104.99.
And that is a blue falcon price if there ever was one.
Jon Simkins is the executive editor for Military Times and Defense News, and a Marine Corps veteran of the Iraq War.
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