Christmas is right around the corner.
Department store decorations are spreading like wildfire, present wish lists from children are growing well beyond a reasonable budget, and carols performed by a couple OGs of Yule, Josh Groban and Kenny G, are soothing the kind of internal panic unique to hosting the in-laws who “wish you’d get a real job.”
Having to navigate a symphony of anxiety hardly leaves enough time for parents to decide what present to gift a child who already has everything.
Fortunately for hapless adults out there, China — er, Santa and his helpers — has been manufacturing modernized nerf weapons that, for just over $150, will have your child kitted out in a spongy embodiment of the Global War on Terror.
Gone are the days of nerf guns and “Cops and Robbers.” Ushered in are GWOT weapons and games that will have your toddler playing, inexplicably, for the next 18-plus years.
Who wants a Hot Wheels car when you could have Kandahar? Forever war toys never go out of style!
Foam mortars, rocket-propelled grenades, and rocket launchers will have your children joining in on as many neighborhood games as their hearts desire — no matter the absense of exit strategies that would allow for a prompt return home in time for mom’s world famous meat loaf.
Watch them defend the back yard against bullies as their favorite Kurdish YPG fighter, all while keeping a watchful eye on Timmy from two houses down, who claims to be an ally, but without warning, has been known to move to a new neighborhood in the heat of the moment.
And don’t worry about repercussions if the kids go overboard with their foam ordnance. Dad will take care of any neighbor complaints.
Each weapon comes with foam rounds that actually fire up to a range of 10 meters, which is supremely underwhelming but “100 percent safe," manufacturers, Get Yours Here Store, claim.
Additionally, the arsenal contains “reel (sic) feelings,” according to the company’s superimposed message on a photo of a foam weapon being loaded by an adult wearing dominatrix gloves.
(In deepening advertisement voice) Reel feelings! Feelings! FEELINGS!
If that doesn’t do the trick, use the rocket launcher that comes equipped with a scope to either “magnify” or “normalcy” — sigh — the next target, which in GYH Store’s case is a gasoline cannister for some reason.
You know what, just buy your kid a Playstation.
Happy holidays.
Jon Simkins is the executive editor for Military Times and Defense News, and a Marine Corps veteran of the Iraq War.
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